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中西餐对垒(1) -跨国婚姻的生活戏剧

                                 中西餐对垒(1)  -跨国婚姻的生活戏剧


As a husband who remains irremediably Chinese, I enjoy eating Chinese food and in particular cooking Chinese food. Even as a student during my early days in Europe, I had enjoyed performing my “percussion concert” with pans, bowls, spoons and tubs in my tiny studio and used to invite a band of hard-up Chinese students to share my “masterpiece”. However, my wife, good at French cooking and furthermore keen to keep a high standard of hygiene in our house, categorically dismissed my efforts as a Chinese chef, who stir-fried everything, and thus was a big consumer of oil and a big source of pollution.
我这个无可救药的中国丈夫喜欢吃中餐,更乐于挽袖下厨.在从前当留学生的日子里自己就喜欢在陋室里玩锅碗,弄瓢盆,演奏个人打击乐音乐会,并常常请一帮穷留学生与自己有福同享.不过妻子也是厨房高手并且酷爱室内清洁卫生.可是中国庖丁总是喜欢什么都油煎油爆, 是一个标准的大油耗子和大污染源,因此妻子根本不理会中国庖丁的一相情愿并请其下岗.
One day, however, the chef, out of work, could not help asking her to step down to make room for him: “My darling, today, I really want to prepare some Chinese food, a Sichuan speciality for us to feast upon. Could you please lend me the kitchen? “No problem, but don’t make too much greasy dirt.” My wife, used at cooking in pure water, was excited, but a little bit worried. I shut the door and as a cook began to play happily and loudly with the cooking utensils and dance around the oven. The menu being fixed one week earlier, I just needed to follow the cooking procedure in an unruffled way. Very soon, the strong smell of Sichuan delicacies spread all over the house and I appeared with the first course of savouries “Do, Re, Mi, Fa, So” - several cold dishes: a preserved eggs dressed with coriander, pig’s ear covered in pepper, Sichuan style pickles. “Come on, Darling! ” I proudly called out.
有一天,下岗师傅终于忍不住请妻子让贤.“亲爱的,我今天准备做一桌地道的川菜,让咱们一饱口福.麻烦你把厨房腾给我好吧!”“没问题!不过油烟不要太大.”习惯于清水煮菜的夫人对我叮嘱道,显得有些兴奋,也有些担心.我这位厨师关好厨房门,然后就在里面兴高采烈丁铃咣啷地演奏起锅碗瓢盆打击乐并跳起了锅边舞.我的菜谱早在一周前就已经订好,自然无论演奏还是跳舞我都显得不慌不忙.很快浓烈的川菜香弥漫房里屋外.大厨终于谢幕露面,径直端出第一道香喷喷的“哆来咪发嗦”来, 即几盘凉菜: 撒满香菜的松花皮蛋、撒满辣椒面的凉拌猪耳朵丝、四川泡酸菜.“快来, 亲爱的!”我得意洋洋地大呼开饭.
Dressed in a read cheongsam to harmonize with the chef’s masterpiece, my lovely wife came with deliberate steps into the dinning room. “What’s this?” She asked doubtfully, pointing at the black egg on the plate. “This is a Chinese speciality, Songhuadan. In fact it is a hen’s egg, preserved in a mixture of water, lime, clay, salt and rice husks, with pine needle-shaped veins (songhua) running through the egg whites, hence the name Songhua; in Europe it is also called the egg of one hundred years. It is a real delicacy. Taste it.” Seeing her hesitating, I brought a piece of Songhuadan up to her mouth. “Horrible! Why is it so smelly?” she frowned, nearly vomiting it up. “My darling, it is delicious! Why do you find it disgusting?” I was puzzled. Seeing dark clouds cover her face, I hastened to resort to the usual panacea: “I love you”. The magic remedy produced the desired result: the clouds dispersed and her face was brightened again by sunshine.  However she resolutely refused to venture a further bite.
为了配合中国大厨的杰作,我那可爱的妻子特意穿上了中国旗袍. 她迈着小粹步,款款来到饭厅.“这是什么?”妻子指着盘里的黑东西,满腹疑问.“这是我们中国的特产,松花皮蛋,其实它是鸡蛋,用水、混合石灰、黏土、食盐、稻壳包制而成.因蛋青上有像松针的花纹, 所以叫松花蛋, 在欧洲也被称为百年蛋. 它其香无比. 请尝尝!” 看到妻子犹豫不决的样子, 我亲自把一牙皮蛋送到了她的嘴边.“真可怕! 这黑鸡蛋怎么这么臭?”她眉头紧锁,差一点儿就要吐出来. “亲爱的,我吃起来真香!你怎么会觉得它恶心?”我大惑不解.看着她那乌云密布的脸,我赶紧使用灵丹妙药 -“我爱你!”. 神药起了作用. 只见她脸上随即云开日出. 不过她决不愿意再冒险咬上一口. 
“Please taste this Sichuan style pickle. I made it myself. Wow, it is really appetizing!” With my chopsticks, I put a radish pickle into her mouth! “ My god, too sour!” She shivered and gritted her teeth. “Come on, please taste this delicacy! In the seventies we could afford it only during the Chinese New Year. It is as good as the French speciality: duck liver pâte.” I could not stop myself suggesting the traditional Chinese New Year dish. Eagerly, I put one slice in front of her mouth. “What’s this?” She became more vigilant. “Pig’s ear!” “My goodness! Do you really eat pig’s ear?”  She closed her eyes, frightened, as if she had fallen into the hands of cannibals. 
“尝尝四川泡菜吧!这可是我自己泡出来的.啊,真开胃!”我又用筷子把一块泡箩卜押到她口里.“哇,老天爷, 真酸!”夫人打了个寒颤,咬紧牙关.“来来来,再尝尝这个好东西. 在中国七十年代, 我们只有在春节时才能吃到.它的味道决不比你们法国特产鹅肝酱差!”我锲而不舍, 非要坚持请她饱口福. 我急切地把一小条猪耳朵送到了她嘴前.“这到底是什么?”她警惕起来.“猪耳朵.” “我的妈呀!你真吃猪耳朵?”她紧闭双眼,惊恐万状, 象是自己落入食肉生番的手里.
“My darling, don’t panic, the best dishes will be following.” I brought out a plate of piping hot bean curd, a plate of Yuxiang pork thread and a plate of pig’s feet braised in soy sauce. “ The spicy Mapo bean curd is a Sichuan speciality, please try it!” While urging her, I put it on her plate. Waving her knife and fork, whoops, she smashed it to pieces, crushing it to pulp. “Oh no, I can’t feel my tongue anymore!” She cried, panic-stricken. “Don’t worry. The Sichuan pungent and prickly ash in the Mapo bean curd is disinfecting your tongue!” I remained calm and showed her another dish. “Come on, please try a little bit of Yuxiang pork thread, it is my masterpiece: a special number!” I quickly served a heaped spoonful of red pork thread. “My month is on fire, please put it out!” Tears falling like rain, she asked for help. Seeing her suffering, I immediately brought a spoonful of rice to her burning mouth. The fire was finally extinguished, but she was still a blushing beauty in tears. “Darling, I’m very sorry, but Sichuan food is known for its hot and pungent taste. I have put pepper and Chinese prickly ash in it. You know, I want to make it as spicy as our love! Anyhow, I will not continue to cook in the same way!”
“亲爱的,不要怕,好菜都在后头.”我迅速端出一盘热气腾腾的豆腐、一盘鱼香肉丝和一盘红烧猪蹄.“麻婆豆腐是四川特色菜,请尝尝!”我一边劝,一边把特色菜挑到她盘里.夫人刀叉齐下,把豆腐杀了个粉身碎骨.“哎呀,我的舌头怎么没啦?” 她大声惊呼. “不要慌, 麻婆豆腐里的川椒正在给你的舌头消毒!” 我镇静自若并指着另一道菜.“来,再来点鱼香肉丝.这也是我的杰作,我的拿手好戏.” 我把满满一勺红红的肉丝塞进了她的嘴里. “我的妈呀.我嘴中起火!亲爱的,快快扑火!” 妻子流眼抹泪, 拼命求救.我一看情况不妙,赶紧把一勺勺的白米饭塞进她喷火的嘴里.火终于扑灭,但妻子仍成了面红耳赤的泪美人. “亲爱的,真对不起.但四川菜以麻辣为特色,我在鱼乡肉丝里加了些辣椒和花椒. 我想让它象我们的爱情那样火辣.不过我一定下不为例.” 
“Look at this, it is really delicious. This time, I guarantee you, it is not spicy.” I proudly pointed at the pig’s feet braised in soy sauce, revelling in my own achievement. “Come on, please try one!” I encouraged her, but terrified, she ran away. “Darling, please don’t disappoint me! I‘ve spent three hours cooking it!” Salivating myself, I tried to hold her back. She desperately struggled, loudly protesting: “Horrible! I am afraid of your pig’s feet. Anyhow there is absolutely nothing to eat apart from bone and disgusting skin! Have mercy, please!”
“瞧瞧下一道菜,真香! 这次我保证它不辣.”  我指着红烧猪蹄,得意洋洋, 自我陶醉. “来来,尝尝这一块!” 我继续鼓励她.但夫人大惊失色,放下筷子就跑. “亲爱的, 你可不要辜负我的心意.那可是我整整花了三个小时才烧出来的!” 我一边拦她,一边忍不住吞清口水.夫人拼命挣扎并大声抗议:“真恐怖! 我怕你的猪蹄.况且猪蹄除了骨头就是那倒人胃口的皮,你到底叫我吃什么?请放我一马!”

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